it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i just sent this text using only my big toe
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
