dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize