Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
