last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
