we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
