I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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