I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
