I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
