And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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