Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
