Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
