oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
