it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Randomize
