Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
