The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
