my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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