It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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