It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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