On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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