he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
