i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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