i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
