Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
