Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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