Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
