I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
