Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
