i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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