well I can't set my house on fire every night
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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