you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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