I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
