my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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