I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
