I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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