mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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