did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
