i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
PANTIES FOUND
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