after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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