he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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