just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
