I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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