i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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