Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
