I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
