ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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