I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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