I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
