So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
