I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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