i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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