Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
