my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
