I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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