My balls are so social today.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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