I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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