He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
