My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
