I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
