The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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